Catch up

I want to start posting about stuff that is happening now but I feel like I need to get people up to date on what has happened over the past 5 months.  I really should have listened to my sister Katrine's advice when she told me I should start a blog while I was in the ICU just after the stroke.  My problem then was that I still hadn't accepted that I really had a stroke and that it all wasn't just a bad dream.  It took me a really long time to accept it actually.  For everyone else, I had a terrible near death experience that shook them up and caused a lot of stress on them, mostly my family.  Poor Cedric.  I cannot imagine what I would have been like if the roles were switched.  He's amazing.  But for me, I just had the world's worst migraine and woke up in the ICU with limited function on my left side.  I remember my first thought when I woke up was that I just wanted to go back to sleep.  I didn't want to face this.  I was mad.  To be honest, I am still ticked off that this happened to me.  I have always been comparatively healthy, I was training for a half marathon, I had gone on a mission, have a beautiful family, and was strong.  Why the hell did this have to happen to me?  I have always tried to things right...well at least since after I was a stupid teenager.  Don't you dare tell me this happened to me so I can inspire other people because I could have done that differently or let someone else do it.  And don't tell me that it is to make me stronger in my faith or strengthen my testimony because I have never been more shakey with those things.  I feel like God is a mean kid picking on me with a magnifying glass.  Unfortunately, as you can see, I am still mad.  People tell me all of the time "you are so upbeat and positive" but the truth is, I am pretty bitter about this whole shebang.  Every time I am too tired to bathe my babies, or Cedric has to wake up with them because if I cut off my natural sleep cycle I am sick, headachey, tired and stoned by pain meds the whole day, or I hit caps lock every freaking time I try to type an "a" or I can't chase Harvey because I don't have the coordination to run I just get pissed.  That is the wrong emotion, I know and I try not to show it but unfortunately, Cedric is the only one who hears about how mad I am at this stupid stroke at the end of the day.  And now all of you get to hear about it too.  So lucky.  But to be honest, I didn't experience the near death stuff.  Everyone else did.  I didn't make any conscious decision to live or have any cool experiences while I was sleeping.  I just had a terrible headache, and woke up being kind of retarded.  Ok...so enough with that rant.  I am thankful to be alive.  As pissed off as I get when I can't do things, I am very thankful that I didn't die all together every time Harvey learns new words or Jorgen has new teeth pop through.  There are some things I didn't appreciate before like I do now such as kisses good night and cuddles from Cedric, rock-a-byes with Harvey, Jorgen pulling on my leg for me to pick him up when I am attempting to make him some food in the kitchen or even how cute Harvey is when he is in the corner from being naughty.  I never knew how amazing my sisters are and how awesome my family is for coming together and taking over as "Mommy" no questions asked.  Harvey was potty trained at 18 months for heavens sake.  I didn't appreciate the strength of my brothers in law and sister in laws.  I have never been so angry and also never so grateful.  Anger is just the stronger emotion and makes me feel like I have power over something when I have lost so much power over so many things that were once strong.

Here are some more journal entries to get up to date.

June 17, 2014

It's been 3 months tomorrow that I stroked.  They tell me it will take 6 months to a year to fully recover.  I think it will be closer to a year.  Yes, I have come really far, but I am also 25.  I feel like I should be better by now.  The frustration is that I am more than half the age of the normal stroker...more like two thirds the age AND I have been very faithfully taking Balance of Nature.  So I truly gave myself 3 months before I totally recovered.  Well...it's been 3 months and I'm still typing 17 WPM.  But I am not hitting caps lock every time I go for the "a" key... just most of the time...So I know I am getting better.  I just want to be all better. 

June 18, 2014

I am starting to exercise more.  I am happy about it...but I am doing all the old people classes I can think of.  I do a Tai Chi class on mon. wed and fri.  The instructor is like 80...but in great shape.  Much better than me.  I am also taking a water aerobics class which consists of 90% over the age of 80 people.  I have an old people problem, which needs old people rehab.  My insurance is almost over for physical therapy so I am only going 2 more times.  I honestly think that the other aerobics classes are doing more for me anyway.  Today was a better day.

June 22, 2014

Ok...so I wish I could say everything is all better, but unfortunately I have had a really annoying headache for the last few days so I have been taking it extra easy. I am also getting a little swelling on the back of my head again. I don't think there is anything wrong, I just want to make sure that I don't increase anything. When liquid gathered on the back of my head last time, it was terrible.

Harvey and Jorgen are at the house again. I am loving it. They are such cute babies. Harvey is starting to talk a lot. I don't have any idea of what he is saying, but it's so fun to watch him learn. Jorgen is sitting up now and eating big boy food. He is such a sweet baby. He is very patient with me. He is a huge blessing right now.

Cedric and I have been in the same stupid fight since I woke up from the stroke...so for three months now. I feel like he just wants everything back to normal but I can't because not only is my body physically not better, my brain is still healing from my last surgery. I am not supposed to lift 5 lbs yet. But I act like I want to feel because I truly believe I will get better a lot faster if I do. Don't get me wrong, Cedric has been trying really hard. But I am expecting perfection. I want him to be home on time every day. I want him here every Saturday. I am now trying to listen to why he is staying or something because lately I haven't been giving him a word. I've just been getting mad. I have been kind of an angry person lately. I'm working on getting over that. Cedric has been very patient.  He is amazing.  I love him so much.

July 18, 2014

So it's time for me to play a little catch up I guess. A couple of weeks ago, Cedric and I decided to spend the night at a hotel because the AC wasn't really working at my parents house and it was really hot. My favorite place to stay in Saint George is the Coral Hills Best Western. It is where we had our wedding night. Though we didn't stay in the honeymoon sweet this time, it was still really nice. That night before Cedi and I went to sleep, we were fighting about how much he works right now. It is a fight that has been going on since I got out of the hospital and I am so sick of it. After the fight, which had no ending, we went to bed. My fingers and left hand started moving uncontrollably. I didn't think much of it, just blamed it on my agitation toward Cedric and my drugs. I had a relatively new pain drug because the narcotics were making me puke. When I woke up the next day, my whole arm was uncontrolled and like whacking me in my own face. Not to mention, there was no way of walking in a straight line. It was a really weird feeling.
We went home and my Dad saw me. There was a little panic in his eyes because these were some very stroke like symptoms. I didn't think I was stroking, but better safe than sorry. So, once again, off to the ER we go. I'm not going to lie, I was kind of excited for the relief that delaudid gave my headache but everything else about the hospital I dreaded. Oh the other thing I liked about the hospital was that Cedric would sometimes visit me in the day.  Well the other times he did, anyway.  So we were in the ER seriously all day long.  For hours.  I am pretty sure it's because Dr Fox is the surgeon on my case and he was in surgery so nothing could happen until he saw me and it took forever to get out of the surgery.  So since he was savingsomeone else's life, I didn't mind waiting.  Finally when he came in, he had no idea what was happening.  The crazy arm syndrome was a totally different place in my brain.  So pretty much he just said it might be my drugs acting funny but wasn't sure so he said to ask the neurologist. Well it was the 4th of July weekend so unless I stayed at the hospital a day or two, I wouldn't be able to make an appt.  So I stayed the night.  The next day, the neurologist came in and wasn't very upset by the crazy arm syndrome.  She told me that if it was really driving me crazy she could get a steroid that would take it away really fast, other wise it would probably burn out by itself.  It had already gotten much better over night and I hate taking drugs so I just decided to wait it out.  She said she thought the crazy arm was caused by pressure on the csf that was gathered on the back of my head and she really want that worried about it.  She gave me a prescription for a diaretic called diamox which would slow down the production of csf and hopefully take care of the extra pouch on the back of my head.  I also got a new pain pills called ultram which doesn't make me puke so that's good.
  I am just so sick of being sick.  I hate it. I don't want to take any more drugs, I wish I never had this stroke, I want to be a loving supporting wife and mommy and I want to be independent.  This has dragged on for ever.  I can't even move on to working on my left side and my hand problems because I have to wait for my stupid brain to heal and it's not happening.  

July 31, 2014

I went to the neurologist today.  I haven't been to a neurologist yet, which is kind of stupid.  But the thing is, I don't really know how the medical world works.  Even still I don't know things that I really should know.  For example, I didn't really know that a neurosurgeon isn't a neurologist.  I kind of thought they just go together, but when I went to the hospital last time, Dr. Fox, the surgeon, didn't really know why I had the crazy arm thing, so he suggested a neurologist who knew exactly what it was and how to fix it.  So now I have a neurologist- Dr. Schlagel, a physiatrist, Dr. Veroenen, a surgeon- Dr. Fox and a counselor to deal with my anger issues toward this stupid sroke.

The Stroke

I want to post about what happened to me but I really don't want to type much right now so I will post my journal entries from around the time it happened.  Luckily I kept a journal on the computer. My stroke happened on the 17th of march, I was in Surgery on the 21st and in the hospital until the end of april.

March 28, 2014

I hAD a dtroke.  its stupid.  now im a retard kind of.  i cant walk anym0re.  or type.  when i close my eyes i think i am a snowflake but im not.

April 5, 2014
The last stroke entry was when I just got out of my third surgery, was still in ICU and on lots of drugs. A lot has happened since then. I am home now and I have to type in my journal for physical therapy. I hate it. My left side has been pretty affected by the stroke mostly my fine motor skills in my fingers. I literally have to retrain the left side of my body like a freaking baby. ok. I am done typing for today. Tomorrow I will write about what happened.

May 26, 2014

Ok...so I didn't finish the stroke story the next day like I said I would but that is because typing is a huge pain in the butt right now and I really don't ever want to do it. It is really great rehab for my left hand though. I literally went from typing 65 wpm to 11 wpm over night. I guess I should record what happened in my own words though.

So, on March 16, 2014 we flew into Las Vegas. It was a really long flight with Harvey being 18 months old and Jorgen 5 months old. The week we left Germany was one of the most stressful weeks I have ever had with having to pack and clean out our apartment, pack for the states, take care of the babies and I was also training for a half marathon I was hoping to run in Hurricane at the end of April. About 4 or 5 days before we left Germany, I went on a run in the Great Garden. For some reason that 3 mile run was particularly rough and afterwards I got a crazy migraine.(I think this was the beginning) That is not an uncommon thing for me and I really didn't think much of it. The headache lingered for a few days but I just figured it was from stress. I was keeping it at bay with ibeprophen and caffeine with the knowledge that I would be in the states with my dad in a few days when I could finally get an adjustment.

The flight was rough. Harvey and Jorgen were pretty good and Harvey only had a couple of little meltdowns but it was harder than past flights. I still had that lingering headache but it wasnt unbearable.

We got to Saint George in the evening of March 15, 2014 in pretty good condition.

The next morning I was really feeling terrible and I stood up to the world spinning. I had vertigo like no other. I saw my Dad and told him to grab me something to throw up into. He grabbed a garbage can from next to him in his office and I just started puking my guts out. He tried to help to stop the spinning but nothing helped except closing my eyes as tight as I could, which also only gave me a little relief. I threw up at least every 5 minutes for hours. I remember wondering how I could possibly puke again because there was absolutely nothing in me.

This went on for 24 hours before my parents took me to a doctor named Dr Graff.He's a doctor that specializes in helping people get the demons out of them.I really believe in what he does but it didn't help me this time.By now my memory is very blotchy of this situation.After Dr Graff I don't remember anything.That is, until I woke up in the hospital.

A few days later, I woke up and I was in the hospital.My family told me I had a stroke that I was OK.I had surgery,my brain swelled and I was in the ICU in the St George Hospital. I guess I really gave everybody a big scare.That's all I remember that day but I am told that I said a lot of really funny things while I was on drugs.My sisters were taking care of my babies.Harvey was with Aileen and Jorgen was with Anna.I hadn't stopped breastfeeding yet and Anna still was breastfeeding Dane so she just took Jorgen and started feeding him too.Charity came from Idaho.Lots and lots of people were there for me.I don't really remember very many of them.But they tell me I was very alert from minute to minute.I truly believe that all those people and their prayers are what kept me alive.

I had a major cerebellum stroke.Half of my cerebellum is dead and a little bit going into the right side.It could have affected me really badly.It should have affectedme very badly. But all that affected was the left half of my body's coordination and my balance.I started walking just a couple of days after I woke up,physical therapy started very quickly, and I was improving really fast.At first my speech was very slurred and really slow.But it quickly came back without any therapy.Harvey and Jorgen would come and visit me everyday which really helped me and gave me a reason to want to live.They're so sweet and so little.I'm really thankful they won't remember this.

A few days after I was awake and in the ICU,my dad noticed that the cerebral spinal fluid was no longer clear and starting to be pink.That is a really bad sign.It meant that there was something in my brain that was not right.They did a cat scan where they saw a mass in my brain.They weren't sure if it was cancer or what.So I had an MRI which showed that it was blood.That meant I had to have another major brain surgery.Once again I don't remember any of this.But apparently I told my mom I was going to die.I remember them bringing me a picture of my family.  Me, Cedric, Harvey, and Jorgen in front of the temple just a few months earlier.I am positive that that is why I was here at surgery.At this point I already knew that I had a long recovery ahead of me.I didn't want to have to deal with that.I was not afraid of dying.I even thought to myself "Harvey and Jorgen are so young they won't even remember me.Cedric is very intelligent and handsome so it won't be very long for him to find a new wife.They would be taken care of. "then my mom brought that picture and I had a new will to live.I want to be there for my babies.I want to go to the soccer games,see their first dates and try to teach them in the gospel.I want to be their mommy.I want to hold Cedric in my arms.I don't want to share him.That might be selfish but it definitely kept me alive.

After I left the hospital, I went to an acute rehab center where they did 3 hours of therapy with me everyday. It was very helpful.

A month after I got home from the hospital, a bunch of liquid started gathering on the back of my head.It was really uncomfortable and I started throwing up uncontrollably again.Finally we went to the emergency room and they put me back in the hospital.I had another surgery where they took the liquid off my brain and put a drain in.That made me have to stay in the hospital again for a couple of weeks. It was a very long couple of weeks.I think that was mostly because I wasn't so drugged up and I could completely think for myself.But it was a good time for healing. I've now been home from that procedure for almost 3 weeks.Anna has been taken care of my kids because this time I realized that I needed a lot more healing time.Brain healing is a very interesting thing.I often feel better than I actually am.I don't hurt,I just get tired.  Luckily I don't have headaches, my nausea is gone, and I feel generally great.

It's been almost 3 months since I went to the hospital and I have recovered a lot.I can walk pretty well on my own.Honestly my only complaint is the crazy insomnia.I cannot sleep at night no matter what I do.But I'm not willing to get addicted to sleep medication so I'm just dealing with it.

June 17, 2014

It's been 3 months tomorrow that I stroked.  They tell me it will take 6 months to a year to fully recover.  I think it will be closer to a year.  Yes, I have come really far, but I am also 25.  I feel like I should be better by now.  The frustration is that I am more than half the age of the normal stroker...more like two thirds the age AND I have been very faithfully taking Balance of Nature.  So I truly gave myself 3 months before I totally recovered.  Well...it's been 3 months and I'm still typing 17 WPM.  But I am not hitting caps lock every time I go for the "a" key. So I know I am getting better.  I just want to be all better. 

My Blessed Life

Alrighty, to be honest, I am not a very good writer and now that my typing speed has gone from 75 WPM to 15 WPM, I am not going to bother editing very much.  In other words, please don't judge my writing skills too harshly.  I am treating this blog just like an online journal.  I have been through a lot over the past year and hopefully I can help other people through sharing my experiences and hopefully, other people can help me when I am struggling.

I recently read a book by Stephanie Nielson who is a famous blog writer.  She is very optimistic and went through a lot of worse things than I did.  I look up to her a lot.  Unfortunately, I may not be as happy about everything as she is but I think this blog will be very therapeutic for me, not to mention it will also help my left hand to type faster.

I have had a lot of awesome experiences and opportunities in my life that most people don't even dream of.  I wish I would have written a blog throughout these opportunities but I didn't so I am just going to list them here to make you all jealous.  I also need to be reminded that my life has actually been amazing to this point.

My parents are very dedicated and were always totally supportive of our dreams because they are big dreamers themselves.  I have 3 amazing, talented sisters and 1 brother who is also pretty cool, I guess.  My parents are Douglas and Susan Howard.

My oldest sister is Katrine Baker.  She is 31 and has 6 kids, the oldest being almost 17 years old. I know...she must have been a crazy teenager, right?  But no, she was divorced a few years ago with 1 biological daughter and she remarried Brad who was a widower and already had 5 kids.  Honestly though, I forget that because Katrine is an amazing mother and the only thing that gives away that she is not all of their biological children is that she is so young.  They even look like her.  She has a really fun blog to follow about her awesome family it is our-baker-bunch.blogspot.com. Her kids are Katelyn, Tyler, Kyle, Annie, Averie and Olivia.

My second oldest sister is Anna Woods.  She is almost 30 and has 4 kids.  Anna is also amazing.  She is the healthiest eater out of all of us, she is super fit, very organized and so much fun to be around.  Whenever I leave her house I feel like I need to be doing a lot more, and I mean that in a good way.  She is a great role model.  One day I went to her house and she said "I just feel like I have been so unproductive today.  I haven't gotten anything done!"  She had already made 4 loaves of homemade wheat bread, her house was clean, she had already taken the kids (including my two kids) to the park and was feeding them lunch.  It was 12:30.  She rocks.  Not to mention, she is the thinnest out of all of us girls.  Me, Katrine and Charity are all really jealous of her figure and that it seems like she doesn't have to work at all to keep it.  Her kids are Sawyer, Bristol, Lilia and Dane.

My older brother is Lex Howard.  He is only 15 months older than me, so he is 27 and has 3 boys.  Lex and I are really close now that we are older and I am pretty sure that has something to do with the fact that we share in-laws.  So Lex's wife is Aileen. Aileen and Cedric are brother and sister.  They are from a little town in Germany called Schwarzenberg.  Lex is the CEO of a company our Dad started called Balance of Nature.   He is very successful in what he does.  I think that because Lex and I are so close, it is also really easy for me to be very mad at him a lot.  He is Cedric's boss and I feel like he slave drives the hell out of Cedric.  Cedi is also a really hard worker and a finisher so he is really easy to take advantage of.  I wish In were allowed to hate my husband's boss but because he is my brother, I'm not allowed to.  Oh well, who am I kidding.  Cedric would work crazy hours even if Lex didn't take advantage of him.  He really loves his job.  Ok...so off of that rant and back to my big bro.  Lex served an LDS mission for two years in South Chicago.  He is also a very talented artist.  He worked for our church in doing the faux painting and gold leafing inside the Nauvoo, Samoa and New Port Beach temples before his mission.  There may have been some other ones too, I just can't remember.  His kids are Leeam, Parley and JaseTaylor.

Then there is me.  My name is Helena Rae Ebisch, maiden name Howard. I am 26 years old, I have been married to Cedric Ebisch who really is the most amazing man in the world for 3 years in October and we have 2 adorable little boys.  Harvey is 23 months old and Jorgen is 10 months old.  I really have a very adorable little family. I was home schooled until I was 6.  When I was 6 years old, my family lived in Saint Petersburg Russia for 18 months because my Dad was getting his medical degree from Pavlov First Medical University.  He was already a very successful chiropractor.  He is seriously a go getter.  Then I was home schooled again after we got home for pretty much the rest of my growing up years.  When I was 17, I lived in Israel to study Hebrew and have a cool experience for 15 months.  I never really learned Hebrew very well but I could read and write.  While I was there, I lived in a youth hostel, sleeping on a roof, I lived on a kibbuts working on an organic farm and I lived in the Armenian Quarters of the Old City in Jerusalem.  I also got scuba certified while I was there.  It was an amazing adventure.  Charity was with me half of the time.  When I got home, I went to a business college in LA owned by Scientology called Hubbard College and I dated a lot as well as almost got engaged to Daniel Eason I think he even had a ring for me...but then I decided to go on a mission.  The guy I really thought I was in love with (Chad) got home from his mission around the time I broke up with Danny too.  That may have also had something to do with it.  Chad, however never proposed (which I am very thankful for now because despite my Dad's, disdain for him I would have said yes) and was really supportive of me going on a mission so I did.  When I was 21, I went on a mission to Taizhong, Taiwan mandarin speaking.  I rode a bike about 30 miles a day for 15 months.  Another 3 months were spent in the Provo, UT Missionary Training Center learning Chinese and how to be a good missionary.  I loved that adventure.  I really knew who I was and what my purpose was.  I gave everything I had to my mission and if I do say so myself, I was a pretty awesome missionary.  I loved that time of my life more than anything up to that point.  After I got home, I went to Germany with my parents where Cedric was and we were engaged 2 weeks later.  I will dedicate a whole blog entry to the story of me and Cedi because it is pretty great.  So I got married 2011, we had Harvey in 2012, Jorgen was born in 2013 and I had a massive stroke in 2014. I think that a majority of my blog will be about overcoming the affects of the stroke but also about my life and my adorable family.

Now there is my youngest sister Charity Wight.  Her husband is Todd.  Charity and I are also really close in age at 17 months apart.  She is 24.  We have always been best friends.  Charity and I share a lot of the same adventures.  She lived with me in Israel and we had so much fun together.  She is a singer songwriter and she plays the guitar really well.  In Israel we would go on Ben Yehuda Street and she would make some good money playing on the street of Jerusalem.  We also got scuba certified together while I was there.  This link has one of her songs I really like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pjWHyj_RUI everyone should listen! She too is an amazing mom.  Her girls are so incredibly well behaved and they exude love.  You can tell that they come from a really happy home because of how they act and the light they have.  She has 2 daughters, Norah and Jane.

So here is a picture of my whole family: