Catch up

I want to start posting about stuff that is happening now but I feel like I need to get people up to date on what has happened over the past 5 months.  I really should have listened to my sister Katrine's advice when she told me I should start a blog while I was in the ICU just after the stroke.  My problem then was that I still hadn't accepted that I really had a stroke and that it all wasn't just a bad dream.  It took me a really long time to accept it actually.  For everyone else, I had a terrible near death experience that shook them up and caused a lot of stress on them, mostly my family.  Poor Cedric.  I cannot imagine what I would have been like if the roles were switched.  He's amazing.  But for me, I just had the world's worst migraine and woke up in the ICU with limited function on my left side.  I remember my first thought when I woke up was that I just wanted to go back to sleep.  I didn't want to face this.  I was mad.  To be honest, I am still ticked off that this happened to me.  I have always been comparatively healthy, I was training for a half marathon, I had gone on a mission, have a beautiful family, and was strong.  Why the hell did this have to happen to me?  I have always tried to things right...well at least since after I was a stupid teenager.  Don't you dare tell me this happened to me so I can inspire other people because I could have done that differently or let someone else do it.  And don't tell me that it is to make me stronger in my faith or strengthen my testimony because I have never been more shakey with those things.  I feel like God is a mean kid picking on me with a magnifying glass.  Unfortunately, as you can see, I am still mad.  People tell me all of the time "you are so upbeat and positive" but the truth is, I am pretty bitter about this whole shebang.  Every time I am too tired to bathe my babies, or Cedric has to wake up with them because if I cut off my natural sleep cycle I am sick, headachey, tired and stoned by pain meds the whole day, or I hit caps lock every freaking time I try to type an "a" or I can't chase Harvey because I don't have the coordination to run I just get pissed.  That is the wrong emotion, I know and I try not to show it but unfortunately, Cedric is the only one who hears about how mad I am at this stupid stroke at the end of the day.  And now all of you get to hear about it too.  So lucky.  But to be honest, I didn't experience the near death stuff.  Everyone else did.  I didn't make any conscious decision to live or have any cool experiences while I was sleeping.  I just had a terrible headache, and woke up being kind of retarded.  Ok...so enough with that rant.  I am thankful to be alive.  As pissed off as I get when I can't do things, I am very thankful that I didn't die all together every time Harvey learns new words or Jorgen has new teeth pop through.  There are some things I didn't appreciate before like I do now such as kisses good night and cuddles from Cedric, rock-a-byes with Harvey, Jorgen pulling on my leg for me to pick him up when I am attempting to make him some food in the kitchen or even how cute Harvey is when he is in the corner from being naughty.  I never knew how amazing my sisters are and how awesome my family is for coming together and taking over as "Mommy" no questions asked.  Harvey was potty trained at 18 months for heavens sake.  I didn't appreciate the strength of my brothers in law and sister in laws.  I have never been so angry and also never so grateful.  Anger is just the stronger emotion and makes me feel like I have power over something when I have lost so much power over so many things that were once strong.

Here are some more journal entries to get up to date.

June 17, 2014

It's been 3 months tomorrow that I stroked.  They tell me it will take 6 months to a year to fully recover.  I think it will be closer to a year.  Yes, I have come really far, but I am also 25.  I feel like I should be better by now.  The frustration is that I am more than half the age of the normal stroker...more like two thirds the age AND I have been very faithfully taking Balance of Nature.  So I truly gave myself 3 months before I totally recovered.  Well...it's been 3 months and I'm still typing 17 WPM.  But I am not hitting caps lock every time I go for the "a" key... just most of the time...So I know I am getting better.  I just want to be all better. 

June 18, 2014

I am starting to exercise more.  I am happy about it...but I am doing all the old people classes I can think of.  I do a Tai Chi class on mon. wed and fri.  The instructor is like 80...but in great shape.  Much better than me.  I am also taking a water aerobics class which consists of 90% over the age of 80 people.  I have an old people problem, which needs old people rehab.  My insurance is almost over for physical therapy so I am only going 2 more times.  I honestly think that the other aerobics classes are doing more for me anyway.  Today was a better day.

June 22, 2014

Ok...so I wish I could say everything is all better, but unfortunately I have had a really annoying headache for the last few days so I have been taking it extra easy. I am also getting a little swelling on the back of my head again. I don't think there is anything wrong, I just want to make sure that I don't increase anything. When liquid gathered on the back of my head last time, it was terrible.

Harvey and Jorgen are at the house again. I am loving it. They are such cute babies. Harvey is starting to talk a lot. I don't have any idea of what he is saying, but it's so fun to watch him learn. Jorgen is sitting up now and eating big boy food. He is such a sweet baby. He is very patient with me. He is a huge blessing right now.

Cedric and I have been in the same stupid fight since I woke up from the stroke...so for three months now. I feel like he just wants everything back to normal but I can't because not only is my body physically not better, my brain is still healing from my last surgery. I am not supposed to lift 5 lbs yet. But I act like I want to feel because I truly believe I will get better a lot faster if I do. Don't get me wrong, Cedric has been trying really hard. But I am expecting perfection. I want him to be home on time every day. I want him here every Saturday. I am now trying to listen to why he is staying or something because lately I haven't been giving him a word. I've just been getting mad. I have been kind of an angry person lately. I'm working on getting over that. Cedric has been very patient.  He is amazing.  I love him so much.

July 18, 2014

So it's time for me to play a little catch up I guess. A couple of weeks ago, Cedric and I decided to spend the night at a hotel because the AC wasn't really working at my parents house and it was really hot. My favorite place to stay in Saint George is the Coral Hills Best Western. It is where we had our wedding night. Though we didn't stay in the honeymoon sweet this time, it was still really nice. That night before Cedi and I went to sleep, we were fighting about how much he works right now. It is a fight that has been going on since I got out of the hospital and I am so sick of it. After the fight, which had no ending, we went to bed. My fingers and left hand started moving uncontrollably. I didn't think much of it, just blamed it on my agitation toward Cedric and my drugs. I had a relatively new pain drug because the narcotics were making me puke. When I woke up the next day, my whole arm was uncontrolled and like whacking me in my own face. Not to mention, there was no way of walking in a straight line. It was a really weird feeling.
We went home and my Dad saw me. There was a little panic in his eyes because these were some very stroke like symptoms. I didn't think I was stroking, but better safe than sorry. So, once again, off to the ER we go. I'm not going to lie, I was kind of excited for the relief that delaudid gave my headache but everything else about the hospital I dreaded. Oh the other thing I liked about the hospital was that Cedric would sometimes visit me in the day.  Well the other times he did, anyway.  So we were in the ER seriously all day long.  For hours.  I am pretty sure it's because Dr Fox is the surgeon on my case and he was in surgery so nothing could happen until he saw me and it took forever to get out of the surgery.  So since he was savingsomeone else's life, I didn't mind waiting.  Finally when he came in, he had no idea what was happening.  The crazy arm syndrome was a totally different place in my brain.  So pretty much he just said it might be my drugs acting funny but wasn't sure so he said to ask the neurologist. Well it was the 4th of July weekend so unless I stayed at the hospital a day or two, I wouldn't be able to make an appt.  So I stayed the night.  The next day, the neurologist came in and wasn't very upset by the crazy arm syndrome.  She told me that if it was really driving me crazy she could get a steroid that would take it away really fast, other wise it would probably burn out by itself.  It had already gotten much better over night and I hate taking drugs so I just decided to wait it out.  She said she thought the crazy arm was caused by pressure on the csf that was gathered on the back of my head and she really want that worried about it.  She gave me a prescription for a diaretic called diamox which would slow down the production of csf and hopefully take care of the extra pouch on the back of my head.  I also got a new pain pills called ultram which doesn't make me puke so that's good.
  I am just so sick of being sick.  I hate it. I don't want to take any more drugs, I wish I never had this stroke, I want to be a loving supporting wife and mommy and I want to be independent.  This has dragged on for ever.  I can't even move on to working on my left side and my hand problems because I have to wait for my stupid brain to heal and it's not happening.  

July 31, 2014

I went to the neurologist today.  I haven't been to a neurologist yet, which is kind of stupid.  But the thing is, I don't really know how the medical world works.  Even still I don't know things that I really should know.  For example, I didn't really know that a neurosurgeon isn't a neurologist.  I kind of thought they just go together, but when I went to the hospital last time, Dr. Fox, the surgeon, didn't really know why I had the crazy arm thing, so he suggested a neurologist who knew exactly what it was and how to fix it.  So now I have a neurologist- Dr. Schlagel, a physiatrist, Dr. Veroenen, a surgeon- Dr. Fox and a counselor to deal with my anger issues toward this stupid sroke.