Back to me :)

Well, it was really fun to write about my love story.  I bet people are wondering what is happening in my stroke recovery world though.

I am doing really well.  I am honestly feeling more and more normal every day.  I have more good days than bad days and my bad days are usually just an off feeling where I am really tired, get irritated really easily and am very emotional about everything.  It is hard to know when I am going to have a hard day which makes scheduling my life kind of difficult.  But now even when I am having a rough day, I can push through it if I have to.  That might mean that Harvey and Jojo are watching a lot of movies but they will live.

I am dealing with the fact that this happened a lot better now.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I am seeing big differences in my left side and am able to do much more with much less help.  When I really stopped feeling constantly angry though is when I heard a song by Hillary Weeks called "A Beautiful Heartbreak".  It reminded me that I am truly not alone and when I look closely, can see the miracle in this trial.  Here is the link to the song on youtube: A Beautiful Heartbreak
There really are more good things than bad that have come out of this.  My relationship with my sisters is stronger, I am learning patience which is an attribute I have never had, I have a better relationship with my husband than ever before, I relish little moments like Harvey or Jorgen falling asleep in my arms more than ever and so much more.

Right now I am on a little anniversary get away with Cedi.  We came to Vegas to relax and have some much needed alone time.  My mom is awesome for watching my boys for me.

Tonight Cedric and I went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory and had a really good conversation about our life and how we have changed.  For the last week or so I have been looking at myself and how I have changed.  Mostly since the stroke but also a combination of everything since we have been married.  I think my thoughts on this started when my sister in law Aniela was at our house and I can't remember why or who we were with but she told someone "oh, Helena really isn't very touchy."  It was a big epiphany for me.  I'm not touchy anymore.  People who touch me, or hug me, or give me touches of encouragement that I didn't invite to do so really bug me.  I now feel a little violated when I am touched by someone who has no reason to touch me.  I used to be a very touchy-feely person.  I am much more serious now than I ever have been before.  I really wanted this weekend to be fun.  I wanted to make sure it wasn't wasted by just watching movies in our hotel room all day or anything.  I wanted to feel kind of normal again.  With that, I felt like in order to feel normal again, I needed to be silly, play tons, dance to no music in public, be annoyingly physical with Cedric in public and anything else I used to be.  But I couldn't.  I am a believer of thought.  I believe that "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he." --James Talmage. But no matter how much I tried, I just felt more serious.  This has made me reflect on why.  Am I depressed?  And I mean the chemically imbalanced kind of depression.  Not the "I am sad and want attention because I didn't get my way" depression.  I don't think I am depressed .  I think I have been until now tough.  This stroke seriously hit me from out of no where and turned my life upside down.  That truly depressed me until I decided that even if I am depressed, I am not going to take drugs for it or anything.  The drugs I have to take now when I am 26 years old already depresses me.  I started to change my diet and exercise.  That is when I stopped...well started to stop...letting myself be a victim to the stroke anymore.  That was a while ago.  Now, about 3 months after my attitude change, I still don't feel like I used to in my heart and personality.  Tonight while talking to Cedric, I feel like I have figured out why.  I have changed.  I am not at all the same person I was a year ago.  I am much more serious.  I am not at all the same person Cedric married.  Life has given us a huge kick in the pants.  Virtually nothing about the past 3 years has gone according to plan.  Here are a few things:

-I got married right after my mission
-I moved to a new country
- I can't speak German...still
- I got pregnant with Harvey really fast
- Jorgen was a surprise
- I have gone back and forth from Germany to the states at least 10 times in the last 3 years not knowing where we will end up
- gained a ton of weight
- I had a life threatening and changing stroke at 25 while my baby was still a new born
- I live in my parents house, in limbo land, completely not knowing what our family's next move is
- Long, annoying stroke recovery

I think those things happening one after another would be enough to make anyone kind of serious.  I have learned a lot about depression.  At least for me. As soon as I grasp on to change and let go of the old me, I will be happy and the Lord will mold me.  But I have to let go in order for that to happen.  That is almost impossible and I am sure that as you keep reading my blog that I forget this extremly important point a lot.

This year of marriage will be an easier one.  Well, it sure as hell better be.  If it isn't, there is something drastic we need to change.

Happy Anniversary Cedi!  Even though life has dealt us a tough set of cards, I love you more than ever and have truly never been more happy.

 Jorgen's Birthday

 Harvey in the corner for the first time

 Engagement Day in Germany (June 2011)

 Prauge 2011

 Bridal Pictures 2011

Harvey's Birthday (Sept 21, 2012)

 Harvey in Idaho (2014)

 Jorgen with Opa Olaf (November 2013)

 Harvey 2013

 My Howierd Family Christmas 2013

Some of my best friends Christmas 2010

 The First flower Harvey picked me (2013)

 Jorgen Nate Ebisch birthday Nov. 2013 (he was supposed to be a girl.  This is all we had to take him home in.)

 Our move before coming to the states (March 2014)

 Jojo

 Jojo  January 2014

 My adorable boys

 What I thought was the worst day ever

 Learning how to be brothers

 Sherif Jorgen

 Trying it out

 Idaho with Aunt Lulu Aug. 2014

 When I was in Brain Surgery (My personal mission motto)

 Re-learning to be Mommy

 Hu?

 Rehab april 2014 (a month in the hospital)

 Daddy with Jojo in the waiting room during one of my 5 surgeries

 Leaving Germany...the day before the stroke

The rest of the story

May 25, 2011

I got to Germany yesterday.  It has been a lot of fun.  I have now been home from my mission for two weeks and I made a lot of rules for myself with dating and things like that.  I knew I was going to come to Germany in just a couple of weeks and I knew that Cedric was there, that he doesn't have a girlfriend and that he still likes me.  My instincts were telling me that he was still in love with me.  So i told myself that there was no chance, no way that I was going to get together with him.  That sounds pretty harsh, I know but I thought I had good reasoning.  I thought about all of this before I had even come home from my mission because I knew I was going to see him and I had heard that there were some expectations of him and I getting together.  That information was false, but I still had that feeling.  Before I go on, I will tell you the reasons why I didn't want to date or marry Cedric.

1. We come from different cultures and mixing cultures is a really hard thing to do.  Yes, Lex and Aileen did it, but it was hard and I didn't want that pressure

2. He works very close to computers and I am terrified to my soul of pornography coming into my life and will not put up with it.  I promised myself that I will not date anyone who works that closely to computers after I watched Katrine's sad divorce.

3. He wants to live in Germany forever and that is where he belongs.  I love Utah, want to open a private school, homeschool my children and live that kind of life but if I am in Germany I can't.  

4. He will always live very, very close to his parents.  I love Katrin and Olaf so, so, so much but I don't want to be that close to my parents either.  Not that I don't love them or appreciate them. I do so much but I really want to have the first few years especially of my marriage without anyone telling me how to raise my kids unless I ask them.  Writing that out makes me sound really mean...I am just writing why I decided to not date him before I even got here.

5. I didn't want to date anyone who I had dated before.

Well, then I got here.  He picked us up from the airport and I had weird, unexpected butterflies in my stomach.  I really wanted to be friends with Cedric because I heard that he is such a great guy.  But for the above reasons, I didn't want to date him. I thought about all of this before I even came home from my mission.  But the weird thing that happened when I saw him at the airport, my instinct, which I controlled, was to run up to him and give him a big hug and kiss on the cheek.  I really didn't understand why.  I haven't dated a guy in a very long time and I was pretty freaked out by them to that point.

Well the day went on and we talked a lot and I was constantly saying a little prayer in my heart to control my post-mission marriage hungry feelings that I didn't even know I had to go away so I could just be his friend for a while and get to know the boy.  I really don't know him very well and he definitely doesn't know me.  It had been 4 years since the last time I had seen him and a lot had changed.  I know for sure that I was a completely different person and he has to be too.

I started noticing little things about him that I really like.  He is good at taking on a challenge.  He never says "I can't" when people ask him to do hard things.  He thinks out a plan.  He loved his mission and loved hearing about mine.  He is so sweet to his mom and his sisters.  He would look at his mom and just say "isn't she so cute?"  and talk about his sisters like they were the most amazing girls in the world.  He was really good looking. He has the spirit shining through his eyes.  He gets along with my Dad and respects him more than anyone I have ever dated or really seen in that age.  He was really easy to talk to.

Now take into mind, this is in one day.  So I was still trying to control my feelings and look at all of this logically.  But the weird thing is, every time I saw him, I wanted to be by him.  I would find myself talking to him from across the room and because I wanted to talk to him more, I would move right next to him.  When I was with my DAd walking, I ended up walking by Cedric and then consciously moving myself back to my Dad's side.  I just liked him again instantly.  It had been four years.  But he was so great.

That night, we just talked all night.  I had jet lag, so I wasn't tired at all...poor Cedric was supposed to be at school the next day in Dresden but he still just really wanted to talk to me.  We had a lot to catch up on and clear up.  So we talked about a lot of stuff.  We talked about our missions, our lives, our goals, a little about when we dated in our past, what we are doing with life right now.  Then we just really clicked.  We ended up holding hands...then talking for a long time.  I was dead set on not kissing anyone for three months after I got home from my mission.  So the whole night, we didn't kiss and I was praying so hard in my heart to do the right thing.  I know Cedric is totally, and completely in love with me and that if things don't work out between us and we kiss, it would devastate him.  When I dated him in the past I think he loved me more than I loved him.  Now, I am just coming home from my mission, we really don't know each other very well, I haven't dated anyone yet, and here I am faced with a boyfriend from my past who is totally and completely in love with me and has been since I was 17...I do NOT want to break his heart.  Everything I say and do right now is done with a prayer in my heart.  I have to take into consideration everything I want in the future.  Do I want to live in Germany?  Do I want my husband to work for my Dad?  Do I want to be that close to my family and his family forever?  Do I want my husband to always be working on the computer?  Then I just thought about it all.  Well, at the end of the night, the sun started coming up...and we were hugging and I looked at him, our foreheads were touching, I kissed him on the cheek and then slowly we just naturally kissed...ok, I kissed him.  I knew he wouldn't kiss me because I was so fresh off the mish and he is very respectful.t  It was such a sweet, soft kiss.  I haven't ever felt such a meaningful feeling before.  This really is a new start and a new road for me.

I love being a missionary.  Living in Germany would make me a missionary forever.  It is surrounding me everywhere.  The branch here needs a young couple to revitalize it.  Germany is an amazing opportunity for my kids to learn how to be an example.  I love my family and Cedric's family.  Why would I NOT want to be around them?  I love working for my Dad and I love my Dad.  Of COURSE I would want my husband to be close to him.  As for working on the computer, I would just have to trust the Lord and trust Cedric.

Ok, now I am glad this is my journal right now and that no one will read this for a long time.  I don't know that I will marry Cedric Ebisch...but it is a big possibility.  I just really, really need to be prayerful and careful about everything I do with this boy.  He is very fragile.  I know he already is totally in love with me. He always has been.  I feel bad for saying this but...I now need to develop the love that he has for me, for him.  I am thinking right now though, that this is going to work...I hope.

May 27 2011

It has been an amazing couple of days in Germany.  I have been thinking a LOT about everything.  Mostly I have been praying a lot about if things with Cedric are right.  Cedric is a very tender heart and I need to make sure that he is the one before I keep going.  But I know marrying him would work out.  I was talking to my Mom about it and she also said that marrying him would work out.  My mom is really good at not getting emotionally involved in our relationships and so she is really good at helping me look at angles and not so much feelings.  Honestly though, I feel like I need to stop looking at the angles so much and start feeling. That is also m Dad's advice and I really feel it is lead by the spirit. I don't want any heartbreaks in this relationship.  I am not dating for fun right now, I don't want free food, free dates or free loving.  I want to be honest and find the one who I can spend eternity with.  

Now, I am thankful that right now Cedric lives in Dresden and I am in Schwarzenberg.  He only comes home on the weekends and I have time to think.  But honestly, I think I have thought enough and I now need to spend more time with him so I can start to really feel.  I think I feel like I love him.  But I KNOW he loves me.  Actually he has never stopped loving me and that is what I am the most worried about.  He has always been in love with me and always will.  I loved him.  But my love for him before was more like the love of a 17 year old girl.  His is deep.  He knows what he wants and always has.  That is another amazing thing about him.  Our relationship had no where to go and I  knew it.  It was going down and went down fast.  I was the one to leave because I was the one that wasn't as attached.  The way I left was horrible and wrong...but he never let go and never stopped loving me.  

Now, I need to start loving him as much as he loves me.  I am not around him a lot right now, and I need to be.  So I am going to start praying and feeling.  Right now, my feeling is that I will marry him.  The only way that I won't is if I get a no from on high.  I would be crazy to not marry him.  He is perfect.  He is also you ban fa.  I love him.  I know I do.  When I think about him, the spirit fills me with joy.  A joy that goes way deeper than butterflies.  This is going to be fun...this is crazy.  

I thought this would be the best way to tell the story of how we fell in love most accurately.  Journal entries are the best.  While I was still on my mission, my Dad bought us tickets to go to Germany.  The plan was that we would go back to my mission right after I came home so I could show my parents around.  I went home from Taiwan right after Mother's Day so my parents told me their plans of the phone when I called.  (For all you people reading this who aren't Mormons, missionaries only call their family's twice a year.  Mothers Day and Christmas.) On the phone, my Dad told me we would stop in Germany on our way to Taiwan...ok, I am not a geography wiz but how is Germany on the way to Taiwan?  He was totally setting up my marriage.  He denies it over and over but he totally did.  I am thankful for it now but then, I was so bugged.  I had talked to my companions about how bugged I was, I promised them up and down that I wouldn't date him.  I believe my words were "I have dated him before.  It didn't work then, it won't work now."  Right Megan Gandolf and Amy Reece?  They were the sisters I promised the most.  I made goals and rules for myself like "don't date for a month" and "don't kiss for three months."  I guess when something is right, it's right.  I am thankful now that I threw those right out the window.  

We were engaged about 2 weeks after I got there.  The second first time he told me he loves me was when he got off the train from Dresden three days after I got there.  He said it with daiseys in his hand (he remembered they are my favorite) and in Chinese.  I melted.  It only took me a couple of days to know from the bottom of my soul that Cedric would be my eternal companion.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I also knew that I had never made a better decision in my life.  I haven't ever doubted since.

Oct.5, 2011

I have been absolutely horrible about writing in my journal lately.  The engagement has been so long, and I really, really hate being engaged.  But it will all be worth it in the end I know.  I like to think of myself as a pretty chill, laid back person but holy smokes this wedding has stressed me out more than anything I have ever experienced. Birth control doesn't help either. I remember the time before my mission and how stressful that was and how bad Satan tried to get me then, but this is about ten thousand times worse.  

Cedric is amazing.  He has so much patience and he loves me SO much!  He has so many qualities that are amazing.  He is the most humble person I have ever met.  He gets along with people, he supports me in everything I want to do and become, he is just absolutely amazing.  I am so thankful that he is in my life forever.

So, I am getting married next Saturday.  HOLY CRAP!  I can't believe how fast time is flying by now.  At first it was creeping along so slowly.  Cedric has been in St. George for about a month and a half now and we spend a lot of time together.  He comes over in the morning to go to the gym and to study the scriptures, then he goes to work and after work we usually go do something fun, or watch a movie.  Last weekend we went to Salt Lake and we went to my mission reunion.  Then on Sunday we went to General Conference with Charity, Todd and my parents.  It was really fun.

Life is good.  After mission life is a lot different but it is really good.  I love my life and I am so blessed.

We have been married 3 years on Wednesday.  In 3 years, we have had two babies and a life threatening stroke.  Living in Germany was really hard for me at first but now I can't wait to get back. I love it there and want that to be where Harvey and Jorgen grow up.  This year has definitely been the hardest but Cedric has been amazing as always.  Through my ongoing LONG recovery, he is there for me all of the time.  He has had to change his schedule, his priorities and almost everything else but he is awesome.  Every bad day I have, he is the one to hear about it.  Now is the hard part for me.  I have to relearn so much and I am the least patient person in the world.  Luckily Cedi is the most patient and always is there to pick me up and wipe away my tears when I fall...literally.  He never, ever complains, never blames me and always empathizes with me, even though through my stroke his life has also dramatically changed.  I don't know anyone else that could do what he does.  I love him more every day.  Our love story is the best one and I love creating it with him every day.