There is a way-You Ban Fa!-有办法: Back to me :)

Well, it was really fun to write about my love story. I bet people are wondering what is happening in my stroke recovery world though.

I am doing really well. I am honestly feeling more and more normal every day. I have more good days than bad days and my bad days are usually just an off feeling where I am really tired, get irritated really easily and am very emotional about everything. It is hard to know when I am going to have a hard day which makes scheduling my life kind of difficult. But now even when I am having a rough day, I can push through it if I have to. That might mean that Harvey and Jojo are watching a lot of movies but they will live.

I am dealing with the fact that this happened a lot better now. It probably has something to do with the fact that I am seeing big differences in my left side and am able to do much more with much less help. When I really stopped feeling constantly angry though is when I heard a song by Hillary Weeks called "A Beautiful Heartbreak". It reminded me that I am truly not alone and when I look closely, can see the miracle in this trial. Here is the link to the song on youtube: A Beautiful Heartbreak
There really are more good things than bad that have come out of this. My relationship with my sisters is stronger, I am learning patience which is an attribute I have never had, I have a better relationship with my husband than ever before, I relish little moments like Harvey or Jorgen falling asleep in my arms more than ever and so much more.

Right now I am on a little anniversary get away with Cedi. We came to Vegas to relax and have some much needed alone time. My mom is awesome for watching my boys for me.

Tonight Cedric and I went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory and had a really good conversation about our life and how we have changed. For the last week or so I have been looking at myself and how I have changed. Mostly since the stroke but also a combination of everything since we have been married. I think my thoughts on this started when my sister in law Aniela was at our house and I can't remember why or who we were with but she told someone "oh, Helena really isn't very touchy." It was a big epiphany for me. I'm not touchy anymore. People who touch me, or hug me, or give me touches of encouragement that I didn't invite to do so really bug me. I now feel a little violated when I am touched by someone who has no reason to touch me. I used to be a very touchy-feely person. I am much more serious now than I ever have been before. I really wanted this weekend to be fun. I wanted to make sure it wasn't wasted by just watching movies in our hotel room all day or anything. I wanted to feel kind of normal again. With that, I felt like in order to feel normal again, I needed to be silly, play tons, dance to no music in public, be annoyingly physical with Cedric in public and anything else I used to be. But I couldn't. I am a believer of thought. I believe that "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he." --James Talmage. But no matter how much I tried, I just felt more serious. This has made me reflect on why. Am I depressed? And I mean the chemically imbalanced kind of depression. Not the "I am sad and want attention because I didn't get my way" depression. I don't think I am depressed . I think I have been until now tough. This stroke seriously hit me from out of no where and turned my life upside down. That truly depressed me until I decided that even if I am depressed, I am not going to take drugs for it or anything. The drugs I have to take now when I am 26 years old already depresses me. I started to change my diet and exercise. That is when I stopped...well started to stop...letting myself be a victim to the stroke anymore. That was a while ago. Now, about 3 months after my attitude change, I still don't feel like I used to in my heart and personality. Tonight while talking to Cedric, I feel like I have figured out why. I have changed. I am not at all the same person I was a year ago. I am much more serious. I am not at all the same person Cedric married. Life has given us a huge kick in the pants. Virtually nothing about the past 3 years has gone according to plan. Here are a few things:

-I got married right after my mission
-I moved to a new country
- I can't speak German...still
- I got pregnant with Harvey really fast
- Jorgen was a surprise
- I have gone back and forth from Germany to the states at least 10 times in the last 3 years not knowing where we will end up
- gained a ton of weight
- I had a life threatening and changing stroke at 25 while my baby was still a new born
- I live in my parents house, in limbo land, completely not knowing what our family's next move is
- Long, annoying stroke recovery

I think those things happening one after another would be enough to make anyone kind of serious. I have learned a lot about depression. At least for me. As soon as I grasp on to change and let go of the old me, I will be happy and the Lord will mold me. But I have to let go in order for that to happen. That is almost impossible and I am sure that as you keep reading my blog that I forget this extremly important point a lot.

This year of marriage will be an easier one. Well, it sure as hell better be. If it isn't, there is something drastic we need to change.

Happy Anniversary Cedi! Even though life has dealt us a tough set of cards, I love you more than ever and have truly never been more happy.