My posts have been very sparatic, I know. I was about to write that I'm sorry about that, but I'm pretty much just writing an online journal...so it's none of you readers business when or how often I write my deepest feelings anyway. Just kiddin :)
I'll be honest, it's been a long, exhausting 3 months. If you are one of the very few people I interact with, you probably have no idea because I don't talk about it much and I am really good at putting on a poker face. I pretty much always look and act like I am feeling great. I do this for a few reasons.
1. I am prideful and don't want people to know that I actually have a headache, I'm tired, most likely slept like crap, am failing at my motherly duties and am on the verge of a panic attack
2. If I get into it, I will start to have an actual panic attack and it will just make it worse.
3. I truly believe in faking it until you make it. So if I fake that I'm doing great long enough, eventually I will feel that way.
4. My body feels fine. There is just something off in my brain and I can't really explain how I'm feeling.
So when you see me and ask me how I'm doing, I will reply "fine" and I truly just want it left at that. If you are really interested in what's going on in my dysfunctional brain, you can read my sparatic blog entries because I don't like talking about it.
Lately, I have been experimenting more and more with adding things into my life. I am trying to find my new normal and really fighting the fact that it may never be what it was before. I used to love yoga, so I have been experimenting with that and I still love it. That is good news because it's really a great outlet for me. I also have hired a nanny to help out during the days. This is also great because I don't feel so guilty for not loving to be a stay at home mom anymore. Because I hired a nanny though, I also have gone back to work for my bro Lex at Balance of Nature for a few hours per day. I have been learning a lot about essential oils lately and I really love them. I went to a day class and learned how to do aromatouch technique massages. I think I have found my thing through that. I am going to attend Zion Massage College in February and I am REALLY excited to do that. It's not only healing for other people, but for me. Through massage, I am gaining coordination, balance, energy and I really like it. I am going to physical therapy again and attempting to relearn how to run so I don't feel like such a retard. Running takes way more coordination than you would think.
Now that I mentioned that I am going back to physical therapy, I should also tell how that has affected me mentally. Most of my big issues now are in my head.
So about a month ago, I decided that I need to start using my balance, coordination and fine motor skills or I'm going to lose them for good. My dad has a friend who is a PT and was willing to trade with my Dad, so I thought "Any PT would do the trick. Right?" Wrong. Well actually, probably right. It wasn't the physical therapist that was causing this issue so much as my dysfunctional brain. I stepped into that PT office and looked around and EVERY hospital/in patient rehab experience I could possible think of came back to me in one big gust. Of course because I have a really great poker face, no one knew that I had such a hard time in there. I left the office and evaluation, got in my car, and just cried, and cried. I remembered the pain, not being with Cedric, the anger, the terrible headaches, going back to the hospital for more surgery, the puking, the fatigue...all of it. I had most of these memories blocked and I liked them that way. I talked to my not physical therapist about this because I had no idea where all of that came from and he said it sounds like PTS. Weird, right? I am not that kind of person! I have never been the kind of person to let my emotions give me a label. But I really think that is what it was. I forced myself to go back once thinking it would just get better but it really just got worse the second time. I was supposed to go twice per week and one of those times, I even drove up to the parking lot. Then I started panicking and called from my car and made up some excuse of why I couldn't go and told them I would call back when I could. I didn't know that my Dad's friend, the PT, would call my Dad to see why I wasn't keeping my appointments. So my parents came to me and I told them my experience. They just encouraged me to keep going because I need it, but I just nodded and had no intention on going back. I just figured I would keep up the yoga and massages and try to run by myself. Eventually I would get it down.
A couple of days later, Cedric took me on a much needed break up North for the weekend. My awesome sister Anna took my boys for me so I could get a mental break. It was a great weekend with him. We got to visit with a couple of his mission buddies and a couple of mine who I absolutely adore. Sister Clyde and Sister Demordaunt...here is your shout out. It was so awesome to remember the best and EASIEST time of my life so far, which was my mission. They reminded me of who I am inside. I was truly my best self for those 18 months and I remembered that I can be that again someday. Well, something like that. There I go again, not accepting my new normal :S
We came home on Monday and my parents sat down with me and told me they had gone to the PT who I had right after the stroke to see if I could start going there again. I really liked this physical therapist but my insurance stopped paying for it and I had to stop going because I couldn't afford him anymore. My parents told me that they are going to start paying for me to go see him as long as I need to.
I went into that PT office and felt relief. No crazy memories, no PTS. I was able to see how far I have come rather than how far I have to go. I am going there once per week now and it's going really well.
Physically I am doing great. Mentally, not so good on some days and awesome on others. So here is my update...I hope to give you another one soon. Thanks for reading!
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